This story deals with how stick-Torg and stick-Riff get out of being space-lost only to find themselves in a worse predicament.
Synopsis
The story begins with stick-Torg, stick-Riff, 1-of-3, and the waneidalien captain finding a space gateway. 1-of-3 comments that whoever controls the gateways could rule the universe. The captain calls dibs on this. They head back to their ship and decide to send the android 1-of-3 through the gate first. They succeed and toast. Stick-Torg comments that it should be a good toast as he spiked the drinks with whiskey. Stick-Riff angrily tells him that the waneidaliens are allergic to whiskey and they arrive to find the bridge crew slumped over with foam coming out of their mouths. Assuming that the crew is all dead the two take a shuttle down to the planet with the key and decide to just go home. Meanwhile the crew wakes up and shows that whiskey only slows them down and makes them throw up. They then see the two fleeing from the scene of a supposed murder attempt and open fire upon them. The captain radios for backup, saying that they have the key to ruling the universe but it is getting away. Unfortunately he sent it via text message to every intelligent species in the galaxy. Stick-Riff and stick-Torg make it to the portal and spend a long time jumping from one darkened sealed room to another. Eventually they come out of a gate in a room with a hole in the wall and make it to the surface. They find that they are on Earth, but the planet has become a battlefield. 1-of-3 runs up to them, both arms missing, saying that they had to leave. After a few more gate jumps they come out through a gate into open air. One of the aliens of the planet holds the three at gunpoint and explains that the text message about controlling the universe sparked a huge free-for-all war. Their species wanted total control of the universe too, but their ships keep getting destroyed so they've begun impressing soldiers into their navy. The three are given positions as janitors on one of their ships and sent to war and an uncertain future.
Previous Story: *Portraits Week*
Next Story: 4U City Blue